HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THE BEST CHAT UP LINE I EVER HEARD
About 18 months ago I was in the smoking area of a pub on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile. It’s very picturesque. There’s a castle and everything. Anyway, this time I’m out with just ONE girl. She’s a good friend of mine, and for matters of convenience and privacy, we shall call her Susan.
So me and Susan are chatting away, and the subject wanders on to chat-up lines. I asked her what the worst chat-up line she ever heard was and she gave me some chodely horror-story of unimaginable lameness.
Then I asked her
“So… what’s the best chat up line you’ve ever heard?”
Susan considered this for a while, and then said this:
“Ok, this one guy had a great one a while back. It worked on me.”
“What do you mean, it worked on you?”
“It worked. I banged him.”
“Nice. You’re very ladylike.”
Susan smiled politely.
“So what was it?” I asked.THE APOCALYPSE OPENER…
“Well,” she said, “it goes like this…
What she then told me made me literally choke on my beer. It was genius. I will never know who this man is, but whoever he is he deserves a prize. A big, shiny Nobel prize.
Here it is, lads:
You rock up to a chick and, in a confident, level voice you say
“Hey, how’s it going.”
She will say
“Fine.”
You then say
“Cool. What are you doing later?”
She will say
“I’m not sure.”
You then say
“Do you want to come home with me?”
Then you hold.
Hold.
HOLD………………..
HOLD IT MY SON……………………..
HOLD THE FUCKING LINE………………
Boom. Makeout.
And that’s the Apocalypse opener. You don’t ‘build rapport.’ You don’t ‘elicit values.’ You don’t ‘kino escalate.’ You don’t even ask her fucking NAME. You ask if she wants to sleep with you in the THIRD SENTENCE, hold the line, and reap the whirlwind.Read the rest here.
